Women love nice cars (Season 1-Episode 5 “A Date with the Health Inspector”), free food (Season 1-Episode 10 “The Itis”), texts and smiley faces (Season 1-Episode 11 “Lets Nab Oprah”), hands-free phones (Season 2-Episode 3 “Thank You For Not Snitching”)
Honestly, there’s not much that needs to be written to expand on these lessons. What can be stated is the reason why theses lessons are put together. It’s because they all came from one man, Ed Wuncler III (grandson of Ed Wuncler Sr.). Ed the Third as he was affectionately called by those who knew him best was somewhat psychotic ex-solider that had an affinity for committing crimes ignored by shop owners and bankers alike because they knew that his grandfather would make everything right.
Wuncler III (voiced by the magnificent Charlie Murphy) also displayed his ways to lure women. From automobiles to technology, Wuncler’s hollow attempts at attracting women were usually demeaned by his best friend Gin Rummy (with Samuel L. Jackson doing the voice), yet never taken into account. Why? Because Wuncler’s strategies worked. Almost every time Ed was in an episode, one scene would feature him chatting to his latest honey. You want women? Follow Ed’s lead and buy nice cars, food, and phones (even if those same phones make you look like you’re about to take off in a space ship).
You can act a fool all of your life and still attain everything that life has to offer (Season 2-Episode 5 “The Story of Thugnificent”)
It’s something to be said about making something out of nothing. Rapper Thugnificent (government name: Otis Jenkins) was a perfect example of going from rags to riches; or in the case of Thugnificent, the better way of phrasing that would probably be “rags to b*tches” to coincide with the release of his latest album that turned him from a choosing between wearing clothes and eating Terra-Belle, Georgia native to an upper-class Woodcrest resident.
Rather than tone down his braggadocios nature, Thugnificent entered Woodcrest blasting his hit song “Booty Butt Cheeks” (sometimes confused as “Move Them Butt Cheeks”, but who cares because it’s a song about butt cheeks!), angering the area’s only African-American residents. Thugnificent displayed his lavish lifestyle not by just showcasing his home to his neighbors and friends, but also on “MTV Cribs”. It was during all of this that Thugnificent expressed just how ignorant and uneducated he was, yet became a success through his talent. The sad part was Thugnificent never used the opportunity to better himself when he had the chance (spoiler alert: Thugnificent eventually loses all off his money, house, and record deal).
Understand that if you have a natural talent that can make you money, no matter what you did or do beforehand, you can become a rich man. Whether or not you learn how not to act a fool and retain you millions is up to you. But learn from Otis Jenkins before you’re riding in a UPS truck rather than your pimped out, and potentially repoed SUV.
All media personalities work together for the common good: money (Season 2-Episode 13 “The S-Word”)
It’s hard to speak to kids when reprimanding them nowadays. A simple usage of a word in hopes of relating with the child in question can end with a relatively innocent/naïve individual saying something that would get him or her in trouble. In the case of Riley Freeman, being called the n-word by his teacher after behaving terribly in class and saying the n-word to Mr. Petto (the aforementioned educator) beforehand allowed him the chance to sue the school system. In the words Grandpa Freeman, the Freemans were looking for that Wal-Mart lawsuit money like Terrence Kinsley after being called the n-word by his Wal-Mart supervisor.
It didn’t take long for news personalities to jump on the lawsuit bandwagon. Smut peddling, strip club frequenting, overeating Reverend Rollo Goodlove (voiced by Cee-Lo Green) joined the Freemans in an effort to get paid for this pathetic indiscretion. But like any story, Mr. Petto unknowingly needed someone to speak on his behalf. Enter Ann Coulter.
The back and forth arguments between Goodlove and Coulter culminated in a backstage confrontation featuring Ann cursing out her African-American boyfriend. No, you didn’t read that wrong. Just to reinforce the fact Coulter wasn’t the person we all perceived, Ann talked about how great it was working with the Freemans and Goodlove in hopes of helping the Freeman family to win their case.
In truth, Coulter, like all news personalities, work hard to support the left or right side of the political landscape to attain the most money possible. They even work together to accomplish that green goal. Like most things seen on television, news personalities love to use our emotions to take our money.
Your slave ancestor might not be a hero, but an Uncle Tom (Season 2-Episode 14 “The Story of Catcher Freeman”)
The enslavement of Africans to work and suffer in what would become the United States of America is, at times, trivialized for the possibility of a story similar to a movie featuring John Wayne (kind of ironic, right?). Before there was Quinton Tarantino’s “Django Unchained”, there was Catcher Freeman. Catcher Freeman was a free slave who would go around liberating slaves and killing their owners. And, as you’d expect coming from Grandpa Freeman, he was their ancestor. With a voice similar to Billy D. Williams and the fighting ability of a sword-wielding Batman (who is referenced in the story event though the concept of “Batman” hadn’t even formed yet), the Nathaniel Turner-wannabe eventually met Thelma and helped free a group of slaves from Colonel George Lynchwater (“Massa Colonel”).
During this build up to the Freeman-led revolt, it was revealed that a central figure in the story was none other than Tobias – the light skinned, illegitimate son of Lynchwater who snitched on the pending attack to his father. After hearing Uncle Ruckus’ version of the story where Catcher Freeman was actually named “Catch A Freeman” and used to capture runaway slaves instead of freeing them, Huey took it upon himself to discover the truth.
Come to find out, Catcher Freeman never truly existed. The revolt that occurred on Lynchwater’s plantation was executed by Thelma and helped completed by Tobias after, just like in Grandpa’s story, sold out Thelma for his father’s acceptance (and the usage of history’s first script). In an effort to stop Thelma, Tobias accidentally shot the colonel before having to side with “his kind” when he realized the numbers were not in his favor.
While it might be fun to delve into your ancestral history, don’t expect it to be as golden as you had hoped. In the case of the Freeman family, the coward/traitor/Uncle Tom was actually the man who helped create Freeman linage.