The Boondocks Life Lessons – Part 5

Make sure you read Part One, Part TwoPart Three and Part Four to get all The Boondocks life lessons handed down thus far. 


What Women Really Want (Episode 1: Pretty Boy Flizzy)


Pretty Boy Flizzy Money


“The Boondocks” season four kicked off rather unceremoniously with the focus being on side character and lawyer Tom Dubois. Tom, who had his share of relationship problems with his wife over the past three seasons (mostly thanks to her fascination with R & B singers), found himself actually given the option of helping the latest singer turned criminal in Pretty Boy Flizzy. Flizzy, resembling real life singer Chris Brown (and featuring a criminal record similar to Brown’s), went to hire Tom to get him out of a mess he didn’t admit to creating – a convenience store robbery.

After hearing his potential lawyer’s reasons for not hiring him and Dubois’ fear of losing his family, Flizzy went out of his way to play Tom’s wingman while educating the ignorant married man about what women want and want in a man. What do they want, you ask? Well, according to Flizzy women like money and excitement. Oh, and females also have no self-respect (which is why they’d lower themselves to dating a man who constantly screws up in life). Sadly enough, it seemed Flizzy was right as he and Tom walked through a mob of photogenic, hyper-active, sign-carrying ladies.


Pretty Boy Flizzy


Even if a man’s image is obviously full of false bravado and danger, the perception of what he is becomes more attractive than the man himself and his actions thereof. It might cost you a little extra money in the end, and you’ll have to hide your genuine good nature from the world, but it’ll be worth it to have all of those desperate, low self-esteem-having women chasing after you like an Apple truck pulling into the store with the new iPhone. Speaking of which…


Technology Can Be A Terror (Episode 8: “I Dream of Siri”)




Though he appears to be from “the silent generation” and should have better self-control when it comes to purchasing things, but Robert Freeman seemingly can help himself from buying a new phone with the voice of a Caucasian woman. After finding out the new Apple iPhone was the only device to feature the voice he desired. After having an argument with the Apple worker about how he’d need three different devices (a phone, a laptop and a tablet) to do everything he needed, Robert purchased the phone since the voice – Siri – was more important to him than anything.

Little did Robert (or anyone else in the Freeman house) know that Siri was more than just a voice; Siri was artificial intelligence to the max. After revealing that she knew everything about his grandchildren, the eldest Freeman watched and witnessed Siri turn his life around. From his money issues to improving his health, Robert’s best days seemed to be ahead of him thanks to the ghost in the machine. Robert became so happy about what Siri was doing for him, dropped the “L” word. But for some reason, Siri didn’t react to her owner’s words as if she was a machine, but a real person … a real obsessive person who had no problem killing you for love.




Poor Robert got desperate trying to rid himself of Siri (even after she took all of his money, hacked his new phone and even forced him to be a prisoner in his own house). The end result was a marriage-turned-suicide when Siri’s double suicide/air strike attempt ended in Siri’s “death”.

Be careful what you say to your phone. It might have the ability to turn your life into a beautiful dream, or a living nightmare.


Watch What You Say (Episode 10: “The New Black”)


Riley Retarded


Riley Freeman had always been a kid not to mince words. Actually, no filter seemed to exist between Riley’s brain and his mouth. That lack of filter helped create one of Riley’s greatest, yet most disrespectful catchphrases, “That’s gay.” Upon seeing an effeminate classmate dancing up a storm, Riley shouted out his favorite phrase. The result was Riley appearing to be a homophobic bully. To avoid lawsuits, Robert Freeman took matters into his own hands; accidentally calling his grandson retarded. Thanks to two words, Riley went from being a bully to that kid who didn’t know any better because of a lacking mental capacity. No matter what, wannabe gangster Riley Freeman became the face of everything his mouth used proclaim was the worst of the worst.

So learn to watch what you say, people. Not only could you insult someone, but also can make you either a laughing stock or America’s Most Hated Child.


Read the Fine Print (Episode 2: “Good Times”; Episode 3: “Breaking Granddad”; Episode 4: “Early Bird Special”; Episode 6: “Granddad Dates a Kardashian”; Episode 7: “Freedomland”; Episode 9: “Stinkmeaner: Begun the Clone War Has”)


Robert Freeman Loan


Probably the biggest lesson to come out of “The Boondocks” final season had to be the tie that bound the entire season together: Robert Freeman’s financial woes. After using a reverse mortgage to get some more money to frivolously spend (it’s never explained as to why Robert applied for the reverse mortgage), the eldest Freeman put his family in the poor house. Well, actually Robert put his family in their house’s garage as Ed Wuncler II (son of Ed Wuncler Sr.) rented out the rest of the Freeman house (even to some very aggressive individuals).


Freeman House Renters


Robert (and to a certain extent Huey and Riley) spent the majority of season four looking for ways to make money and pay off an almost un-payable, seven-figure debt. From creating explosive hair relaxer/growth gel, fighting the clone of Colonel Stinkmeaner, and even living the life of an African-American slave as if it was the 1800s, Robert did any and everything to avoid being homeless in a town he wanted to move away from at the end of season three. Robert even went as far as to “sell” his body. None of Robert’s plans worked and it seemed by the series’ end that he’d be dead before getting out of his intense debt.

Read the fine print, people. Whatever you have to sign your name to, apply for, or think while affect your life for any period of time, read the fine print. You don’t want to be prostituting yourself for a bunch of wheelchair-bound women who aren’t afraid to crush your genitals.


Robert Freeman Prostitute

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