You Can Perform a Ritual to Turn Someone African (Even if They’re a Big Caucasian Person Born in America)
In the spring of 1987, “The Doctor of Style” and all around jive soul bro Slick introduced World Wrestling Federation fans to a giant of a man known as the “One Man Gang”. Gang would spend the majority of ’87 beating preliminary competition very easily while staking his claim to be next in line to face whomever was the WWF Heavyweight champion (be it Hulk Hogan and, by 1988, “Macho Man” Randy Savage). Sadly for the OMG, his victorious abilities over underwhelming competition didn’t translate against the likes of Hogan, Savage, and fellow big man Bam Bam Bigelow.
It seemed something was missing in the OMG’s life. Reportedly searching for a way to return to his winning ways, Gang decided to research his family history. Through Slick, the fans would find out One Man Gang was actually of African descent. This newfound information intrigued Gang so much it made him decide to embrace his once unknown heritage. Through a Slick-dubbed “transformation ritual” that took place in (a back alley of some random ghetto area) featuring dancing, chanting and a flaming barrel, One Man Gang died and Akeem was born.
Akeem was a shucking, jiving, dashiki wearing (with the continent of Africa boldly displayed on his back) “African” looking to boogie on down the line and win, win, win. Sadly for Akeem, he might’ve gotten one of those three hopeful wins. But at least Akeem now felt more in tune with himself than he did and at home than his previous motorcycle-riding persona.
So if you ever want to immerse yourself in the African culture and embrace your recently discovered roots, don’t worry about actually visiting the “motherland”. Just head to some random, rundown neighborhood where trashcans burn constantly and African priests/priestess dance while wearing Nike tennis shoes, take part in a traditional transformation ritual, and you too can become the real African dream.