It’s been over twenty years since I can remember the first time I saw Matt Groening’s “crudely drawn” family of five deal with the almost surreal problems that life seemingly presents on a daily basis. From that moment I laid my eyes on “The Simpsons” I became enamored and, eventually, a life-long fan (more than likely I’ll be re-watching episodes when I’m old enough to shout at clouds). During my time as a “Simpsons” viewer I’ve discovered many relatable life lessons that I plan to share with you. Welcome to “The Simpsons Life Lesson” series (season eight).
Appreciate Your Wife (Episode 6: “A Milhouse Divided”)
Understandably dissatisfied with a lack of excitement in her marriage, Marge Simpson decided she wanted to throw the party to end all shindigs. From glazing a ham until it shined like solar flare, steam cleaning toilet seats and dressing up her children in their Sunday’ best, Marge had everything in order to make this the perfect night. What Marge didn’t expect was high tensions running through the Van Houten’s marriage. Kirk and Luann, the parents of Bart’s best friend Milhouse, struggled to avoid arguments at the dinner table about Kirk’s lack of bravery. A game of Pictionary eventually sent everything spiraling downward for the bickering couple as Kirk convinced Luann to vent. Luann’s tirade ended with her demanding a divorce. The fallout from the Van Houten breakup was felt almost immediately. Milhouse, deeply saddened by his parents splitting up, found solace in the shockingly comforting words of bully Nelson Muntz (whose parents also divorced) prior to acting out his aggression in destructive ways. Kirk started living in an apartment complex all the male divorcees inhabit before being fired from the local cracker factory due to his lack of having happy wife and child living with him.
I sleep in a racing car
Luann quickly adjusted to her new lifestyle easier than everyone – successfully jumping back into the dating game. Homer tried to be a good acquaintance to Kirk, hearing him as he lamented about taking his wife for granted. Homer became reasonably concerned when his worst fears came true – Marge leaving hotdogs thawing in the sink for his dinner just like Kirk witnessed before his divorce. Reflecting on his lack of being a supportive husband (and hearing his daughter state, “You’re very lucky to have Mom.”), Homer went out of his way to salvage his ailing marriage. When all of his ideas, including squawking like a seagull when trying to sooth his wife to sleep and cutting her hair against her will, Homer opted to save Marge from the trouble of Luann and secretly filed for divorce. In truth, it was Homer’s Hail Mary – giving Marge the wedding and reception she always deserved; and it worked. Marge eased Homer’s mind during the ceremony to tell her husband that they never would turn out like the Van Houtens.
A match made in heaven
If there’s a constant theme that runs through “The Simpsons” series it’s this: Appreciate the lady (or significant other) in your life. If you’re not careful you’ll be on the tail end of a messy divorce, watching your ex-wife make out with an American Gladiator while your music career that never was never comes to be.
Don’t Vent, Go Crazy (Episode 8: “Hurricane Neddy”)
It seemed like nothing short of a typical, quiet afternoon in Springfield when the wind started to uncharacteristically pick up. A hurricane was fast approaching and it seemed the Simpson home would go the way of Springfield’s Hall of Records when it was mysteriously blown away in 1978. Bunkering down in the basement with Marge praying for this hurricane to blow over proved fruitful as casa de Simpson survived “Hurricane Barbara” without suffering a noticeable scratch. Shockingly enough, Bible-thumping, God-fearing, Jesus freak Ned Flanders wasn’t so blessed as his house was turned into absolute rubble.
Everything’s gone diddly-on
With no home insurance due to his belief that buying insurance was some form of gambling, Ned took his family to the church’s Rescue Center. When it seemed Ned’s day couldn’t get any worse, random vagrants ransacked his business, “The Leftorium”. For Ned, this was potentially a test or punishment from God himself. Why? Who knows. After crying out to his spiritual father about his inability to express his anger, Ned finally got some good news. The people of Springfield came together to rebuild the Flanders’ home. And what a job they did with toilets on the first floor in the kitchen, bad wiring and a hallway leading to a doorway too small for any human to enter a la “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory”. After seeing the work firsthand – work that eventually collapsed due to its own faulty craftsmanship – Ned finally let his neighbors and townspeople have the verbal lashing that was coming to them for years; leaving Bart, “Shocked and appalled.” The Flanders’ patriarch calmly left the scene of his vitriolic tirade and committed himself into Calmwood Mental Hospital. Come to find out, Ned’s beatnik parents signed up their rambunctious child for the University of Minnesota’s Spankalogical Protocol where Ned was spanked for eight months straight.
The program rendered Ned unable to express his anger in a normal manner from that day forward until it came forth in a near violent onslaught of profanity in the way of rhyming gibberish. Don’t be like Ned and hold in all of your anger. Vent your frustrations, disappointments and hate in healthy doses and you won’t be screaming your darn-diddly lungs out while promising to run over people with your car.
Your Soul Mate is Out There (Episode 9: “The Mysterious Voyage of Homer”)
It was that time of year again in Springfield as townspeople come together for the annual chili cook-off. Homer, who embarrassed his family by getting drunk and swimming in the cotton candy maker a year earlier during the event, had to promise not to during any beer during the festivities. But Homer had bigger fish to fry as he was the unspoken, unofficial chili judge of Springfield. Apparently, Homer had embarrassed the likes of police chief Wiggum during previous cook-offs – forcing the authority to add “The Merciless Peppers of Quetzlzacatenango” to his chili this year.
The end result was Homer screaming his head off as a single pepper almost melted his tongue and forced him to chug a six-mug serving of beer to cool himself. Marge, of course, saw the drinking and unknowingly left her husband to himself as he plotted to redeem himself in front of his old cook-off admirers by coating his tongue and throat with wax. After ingesting several Merciless Peppers, Homer took a voyage based on grand hallucinations similar to something done by Carlos Castaneda.
During his journey through the vast “desert”, Homer encountered a lone wolf telling him about searching for his soul mate. Homer seemed confident in Marge being that individual, but her anger towards him after returning home changed his mind. Another journey commenced for Homer until his original belief was proven true: Marge was and still is the person who shares a unique, profound, mystical understanding with Homer Simpson. There’s a soul mate out there for everyone, but it’s up to you to make sure you’ve actually found that one person who makes your entire world a lot better. For some it’s just simply being around each other. For others it could be going on a vision quest and threatening to shipwreck a crew of cargo pants deliverers.
Or going on a journey to destroy the sun
