(Make sure you read part one) It’s been over twenty years since I can remember the first time I saw Matt Groening’s “crudely drawn” family of five deal with the almost surreal problems that life seemingly presents on a daily basis. From that moment I laid my eyes on “The Simpsons” I became enamored and, eventually, a life-long fan (more than likely I’ll be re-watching episodes when I’m old enough to shout at clouds). During my time as a “Simpsons” viewer I’ve discovered many relatable life lessons that I plan to share with you. Welcome to “The Simpsons Life Lesson” series (season nine – part two).
“It’s My First Day” (Episode 19: “Simpson Tide”)
Thanks to a mix of sheer laziness and stupidity, Homer Simpson had found himself in trouble more times than once when it came to employment. So it was not unusual for the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant’s safety technician to cause meltdowns and the like. In an attempt to grow a single donut so there’d be enough to go around for everyone, Homer caused an explosion that saw him confronted by his boss, Mr. Burns. Homer had a seemingly full-proof scheme to get out of the situation by stating it was his first day (though he had been working for the uninformed Mr. Burns over the past decade). If not for that dastardly suck up Waylon Smithers, Homer would’ve gotten away with his idea.
You’re not forgiven, Waylon
Unemployed and hurting for money, Homer joined the Naval reserves where another catastrophic occurrence would happen with Homer at the helm (in this case the sinking of a submarine). Arriving in Russian waters, the United States government believed Homer was trying to defect – creating a political schism between the two countries. Being confronted by people looking to finish the job Homer started by destroying the sub, a man unwisely given a position of authority told everyone glaring at Homer with death in their eyes, “It’s my first day,” in various languages. And you know what? The trick worked! If you’re ever in a bad situation that could result in you being fired or jailed, just utter the phrase, “It’s my first day.” Nine times out of ten you’ll receive nothing more than a slap on the wrist or a dishonorable discharge.
“Power Sauce is Amazing” (Episode 23: “King of the Hill”)
Being overweight and having the lung capacity of someone who’s been bedridden for twenty years, Homer found himself in terrible physical condition before reaching his forties. And if Homer didn’t know this already, being devil-egged by children his son’s age would be a wakeup call for anyone. Making a pledge to himself and encountering “McBaine” movie star Rainier Wolfcastle in a twenty-four hour gym, Homer improved his health. But working out can only someone so much. That’s when Homer discovered the power of “Power Sauce” energy bars. Homer gained enough confidence through his new eating and exercising lifestyle to climb “The Murderhorn” mountain. Things don’t go exactly as planned, but Homer did reach the mountain’s “peak”; and one can’t help but give credit to “Power Sauce”. For all of you who are looking to lose weight and want to mix together some apple cores and Chinese newspapers you’ll have the energy bar that will push you past your physical limits and master your booty.
Don’t Be Afraid to Take Stupid Risks (Episode 24: “Lost Our Lisa”)
Thanks to “Teacher Conference Day”, the kids at Springfield Elementary had the chance to spend a weekday doing whatever they wanted. In the case of Lisa, her only goal for the day was to see Springfield Museum’s Egyptian Treasures of Isis exhibit and the legendary Orb of Isis. But Bart’s time spent at the local “joke shop” where he purchased a bunch of novelty toys to glue onto his face would result in Marge having to take her son to the emergency room rather than give her good natured daughter a chance to enjoy a once in a lifetime experience. Quick thinking Lisa eventually came up with an idea to travel to the museum via a bus.
Always remember…
Using her father’s gullibility and overall stupidity against him, Lisa convinced her father to accept the least costly option (between a limo and a bus) of traveling by way of old reliable “Bus 22”. Sadly for Lisa, her streets smarts (or her ability to read) didn’t match her book smarts (or her ability to read and comprehend) as she took the right bus on the wrong day; resulting in her arriving in unknown (to the viewer and Lisa herself) areas of Springfield like “Little Newark” and “Crackton”. While Lisa trekked across Springfield, Homer informed his friends about Lisa’s intended trip before coming to his senses and searching for his eldest daughter. The end result was Homer almost having his head crushed and Lisa moping about taking a “stupid risk” that didn’t pay off. Quickly stopping in the middle of the road, Homer reprimanded his daughter as “stupid risks” allowed him to save her and have such crazy adventures. To prove himself, Homer took Lisa to the closed museum to not only break in, but also see the exhibit.
Don’t ever be afraid to take stupid risks. Playing it safe all the time could hinder you from experiencing moments like being the first person to hear an ancient music box play for the first time in centuries or being chased by guard dogs when you accidentally trip an alarm.
Spice Up Your Relationship (Episode 25: “Natural Born Kissers”)
The ninth season reached its harrowing conclusion by sticking to what brought “The Simpsons” to the dance: a story focusing on the marriage of Homer and Marge. What should’ve been an amazing night out resulted in the two being stuck with the kids, having their dinner tossed around a plane designed as a restaurant and a casbah not rocking so strongly as anticipated. By the weekend, the most exciting thing the two found themselves doing was Homer trying to “floor” his car out of a mud pit. Then something miraculous happened – a storm arrived and the two were forced to take shelter in a nearby barn. The fear of being caught trespassing renewed the dying spark that had turned their anniversary limp.
It didn’t help
Understanding the reason as to why their respective levels of arousal reached new heights in that barn, the couple took things one step further by having sex in various public places like a bed & breakfast living room and the site of Bart’s creation, the local putt-putt golf course. But their festivities during the daytime resulted in slight public embarrassment as Homer and Marge’s escape via a hot air balloon saw them land on a football field while an actual game was going on. Oh, and the couple just happened to be buck naked (and the shame was only “slight” due to them thinking about the situation, only to become enamored with the idea and head out for another sexual rendezvous outside of the house).
So if you’re in a martial rut and don’t want to take the route of divorce, become an erotic (enter your nationality) and start having relations in all sorts of public places (potentially exposing yourself to the entire state, country or even world).
